The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Q: What has 3 teeth and 6 tits?
A: Night shift at the Waffle House!

Bill calls his wife and says: "Honey, me and some of the guys are going fishing this weekend. I know it’s last minute, but I just found out myself a few minutes ago." His wife gives her consent. "Thanks, hon. Could you do me a favor and pack some clothes for me and put them out by my tackle box?" She says okay and he’s off for the weekend. Upon returning, his wife asks him how his trip went. He says: "Fine, but why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas for me?"
"I did," she says. "I put them in your tackle box."

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Rottweiller dog?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why are men at their smartest when they're having sex?
A: Because they're plugged into a genius!

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendent was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm a queen! I outrank you! So put up the tray, bitch!"

An attractive young woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his bushy beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."