A man is driving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
"Sir," the cops says, "are you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile down the road?"
"Thank God!" the driver replies, "I thought I was going deaf!"

Q: What's the difference between a cop car and a porcupine?
A: On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside...

A man is driving home after spending a nice Sunday on the ocean, fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He is late getting home, and is speeding. Of course, out from behind a billboard springs a motorcycle cop, radar-gun in hand, sirens blaring. So the guy pulls over like a good citizen. The cop walks up to the window and says: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going, mister?"
The man thinks for a second, then says: "60 miles per hour?"
"Nope!" the cop says, "67! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew how fast I was going," the man asks, "then why did you ask me?"
Pissed, the cop says "You're getting a ticket and a fine!" As he's writing out the ticket, the cop takes a good close look at the dude behind the wheel... he notices his stained fishing attire, and the strong stink of brine, and says "I've never seen anyone so disgusting in my entire life! Do you even have a job?"
The man replies: "I've got a pretty good-paying job, as a matter of fact."
"What kind of a job would a stinking bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," the man replies.
"Whatchu say, BOY?" asks the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher. People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asks, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
"You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge on a Sunday."

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Make them into a tire and call it a good-year!

Two shy newlyweds are celebrating their first night together, consumating their relationship all night long. But they're so shy, they can only do it with the lights off. When morning comes and the groom takes a shower, but there are no towels. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body to her for the first time. Her eyes go up and down until she sees his penis, and asks: "What's that?"
He thinks for a second, then says: "That's what we had so much fun with last night!"
Sounding desperate, she asks him: "That's not all we have left, is it?!"

YOUR HOUSE IS FILTHY WITH DUNG!

I would personally like to thank University of Arizona environmental microbiologist Charles Gerba for disgusting me almost to the point of puking on my loafers. You see, Dr. Gerba's main mission in life is to track the "germ patterns" in the average American household, and his findings have been, pardon my French, fucking disgusting. Gerba has found active fecal matter (shit, ferchrissakes!) everywhere from in your washer and dryer to (ack!) sealed jars of mayonnaise in a refridgerator. In fact, Dr. Gerba has found that over 25 percent of all washing machines are contaminated with hepatitis A and salmonella which could only have come from human dung. Dr. Gerba is also the inventor of the commodograph, a device which tracks the highly concentrated, otherwise invisible blast of urine and feces which errupts from your toilet every time you flush... So drop the lid before you pull tha! t trigger, and keep your toothbrush hidden away, unless you don't mind scrubbing your gums with microscopic flecks of poop!