Joke Archive-Week 2

 

One day, a man comes home late, and his wife asks: "Where have you been?"
"I had to work late, but I brought you a present!" he says.
"Well what is it?" she asks.
"It's a magic dildo," he replies, smiling.
"Magic dildo? What does it do?"
"Just watch," he says. He turns towards the bedroom door and says: "Magic dildo! Door!" Amazingly, the magic dildo flies towards the door and starts banging against it until it bursts opens!
"Wow!" says the wife. The man leaves the room and the wife is alone with the dildo. She shouts: "Magic dildo, my pussy!" and the dildo flies up into her and starts pumping. After about seven hours of this, the wife realizes she doesn't know how to stop the damn thing! She's driving herself to the hospital when a cop pulls her over for speeding.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the cop asks.
The woman hurriedly explains: "I got a magic dildo in me and I can't get it out!"
The cop goes smirks at her and says: "Magic dildo my ass!"

A trucker pulls over at a bar to quench his thirst. He sees a big sign on the door saying: NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes in anyway. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs the air, and says he smells kind of nerdy. "What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he sips his beer, the trucker sees a skinny guy walk into the bar. This guy has tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The trucker, shocked, asks: "What the hell did you kill him for?"
"Nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, so they're in season now. You don't even need a license!"
So the trucker finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. A few miles down the road, he swerves to avoid an accident, and his load shifts. The back doors break open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd of poorly dressed accountants and computer programmers grabbing up the computers. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts: "Honey! pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
His wife says: "Wow! That's great! Should I pack a bathing suit?"
He says: "I don't care! Just get the fuck OUT!"

A Russian is strolling down the street. He absent-mindedly kicks a bottle, and all of a sudden a genie appears and offers to fulfill any one wish the Russian can think of. "Well," says the Russian, "I really like vodka. I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. Looks like vodka. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. He yells to his wife: "Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night, the Russian tells his wife to bring him a glass from the cupboard. She gets the glass but asks him why only one glass. Has he become cheap with his vodka? Boris raises the glass and says: "Tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Jokes by Lee:


Jean Pierre was having a costume party and told all his friends that they must come dressed as an emotion.
The night of the party the doorbell rang and there stood Ann Marie dressed in black and she said "I am gloom."
A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. This time it was Hubert, dressed in green, claiming to be envy.
The third time the doorbell rang, it was Michelle, all dressed in red for rage.
The next time Jean Pierre open his door, there was Marcell, naked, except for a pear tied to his penis. "What emotion are you?" asked Jean Perre.
And Marcell simply answered "I'm fucking despair."

Three guys were walking in the desert, and they found a genie.
The genie told them that he will grand a wish to each one of them.
The first guy wished for a Ferrari and got it.
The second guy wished for a mansion and got it.
The third guy wished for his dick to touch the ground.
So the genie cut off his legs.


Jokes by Jeff:

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

Measuring the cold =--=
+60 Californians put on sweaters.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italians cars don`t start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.
+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.
+15 French cars don`t start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don`t start.
Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don`t start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don`t start.
-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don`t start.
-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

Now for the real question. Does this make fun of Canadians? or Americans?

 

Jokes by Abe:
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?" '

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"