Joke Archive-Week 1
A man needs to buy a plane ticket home, but he only
has $500 and the ticket costs $1000, so he goes to a bar. He decides
to gamble for the $500 he needs. He goes up to the bar tender
and says "I bet you $500 that if you put this glass on top
of your head, I can take a piss and get it all into the glass
without spilling a drop. " The bar tender agrees, and the
man proceeds to piss all over the...bartender. The man then proceeds
to break out laughing. The bar tender says, "Why are you
laughing? You just lost $500." The man replies, "Yeah,
but I bet the man in the corner over there $1000 that I could
piss all over you without you getting mad."
A Torontonion,
a Qubecer, and a Newfie find a bottle lying on the side of the
road. A Genie appears and tells them they can each have 1 wish
(1+1+1=3). The Torontoion thinks for a second, and wishes to be
home at a party with all of his friends. *POOF*. There he is.
The Qubecer thinks for second, then wishes for Qubec to be surrounded
by an inpenantrable wall, and to be home in Montreal. *POOF*.
There he is. The Newfie thinks for a second. Tell me more about
this wall he asks. Well, it's 30 feet high, 10 feet thick, and
nothing can get in or out. Ok says the Newfie. Fill it with water.
BEFORE VIAGRA A man was walking down the street when he noticed
his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing
?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and
did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting
out here with nothing on below the waist ?" He asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week
I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This
was your Grandma's idea."
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives, while
the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns
to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of
control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says,
"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on
her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow!
What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy
swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get
out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Who's Cheating? =--= "That wife of mine is a liar,"
said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him
in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She
didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been,
she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with
her sister, Shirley."
A man broke into a house one dark foggy night. Once
he got inside, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you."
The man looked around and couldn't see anything. He started to
walk again when he heard the voice again. "Jesus is watching
you." The man looked around again and say a parot in its
cage. The man started to laugh and walked over to the parrot.
"Jesus is watching you." it squaked. The man continues
to laugh when he hears a growl from behind him. He slowly turns
around to see a pittbull growling and showing teeth. The parrot
squawks, "Sick 'em Jesus!"